Job Opening: Dog Cop

This is an exciting, fulfilling position for the right person. Applicants must love to stick their nose in other peoples' business in the following ways: If an owner doesn't pick up his dog's poop, rush over and point this etiquette breach to him in no uncertain terms. If a pickup is spotted with a dog in the back, follow it to the ends of the earth, if need be and point out the dangers as well as illegality of this. Be prepared to eat crow after discovering the dog was safely restrained, after all. If an owner is correcting (the new word for disciplining) her dog in a way that you deem faulty,  be willing to approach and demonstrate the right way (i.e., your way). You must be willing to offer unsolicited advice on feeding, potty training, medical issues and any other tidbits of wisdom to each dog owner encountered.  They may appear annoyed, but they will appreciate your insight later down the road.

Dog's Day Afternoon

Sometimes the stress is just too much. Not for me, of course, but for my beloved Oliver. Imagine going from being an only child to surrogate brothers and sisters parading through your life. So, I do what all the other yuppie parents do: arrange a play date. Invest in Quality Time. Build his self-esteem by reminding him that he is special, very special.

The Yellow Roads of Tex's

The ancient, blind Chihuahua I'm pretending to foster has made a rather Lazarus-like revival.  Which is both good news and bad news. Tex now trots along on our walks like a dog half- (or more realistically, one-fifth) his age. Tex refuses to be leashed for his walks, insisting on following the rest of us by smell instead of sight. He loves to play with stuffed toys and jumps with joy when he knows he's going for a car ride.

Send me a tex message!

Unfortunately, the geriatric Chihuahua's  still-intact family jewels mislead him into acting like a furry Hugh Hefner, convinced he is still a virile hunk. But without the Playboy empire, a reality TV show and a bucket full of Viagra,  Tex has had miserable luck getting the Shi-Tzus to even give him the time of day. He will also attempt to mount male dogs to prove his dominance. When the six-pound wonder tried it with Corky the Corgi who, not noticing,  walked away, he had the distressing appearance of a mosquito hanging on to a beach ball for dear life.

All my exes live with Texas.

That still-present testosterone has yet another downside; Tex wants to–needs to–mark everything, everywhere, all the time. He's neck-to-neck (or weenie-to-weenie) with Chance, another infamous marker. Although diapers sort of worked for Chance, I just can't bring myself to burden Tex with any more humiliation. He is proud. He is mighty. And I don't want the visual of a diapered Chihuahua humping away.